(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Halloo!
Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
No, it's an insurance man...
-Duck! (CHUCKLES) -Mr Baker! Welcome!
(SlGHS) If I'm selling you insurance, it's Mr Baker.
When I take my cycle clips off, it's Tubby.
Tubby by name, and unfortunately...
Very good. OK people. Let's do this.
Um, we're a bit up against time so we'll film you first and chat later.
Roger Wilco.
GAVlN: So you made the record here 40 years ago.
-Hmm. Yeah. -A little boy of 10?
-Bill, turn over. -MAN: Sound running.
-Speed. Mark it! -Oh, sorry. They said to...
-Shh! Thank you! Filming! Sorry! -Nymphs and Shepherds Reunion interview
Mr Baker take one.
OK, Barbara, play the record.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
-Sorry, are you crying? -(MUSlC STOPS)
It's, uh, sorry...
I hadn't heard it since...
It's very...
Sorry, it just...
GAVlN: We can stop. But what's making you cry? The music or...
I don't know. (SlGHS HEAVlLY)
Just that day...
Remembering that day.
Sorry.
(EXHALES)
Oh, get a grip, Tubby!
Oh, dear...
(SNlFFLES) I'm fine...
GAVlN: And the final question...
What would you say was your main memory
of being in the Manchester Children's Choir?
That it was joyful.
Just to sing was joyful.
Sorry is that silly?
No, that was perfect. Cut.
Thank you...
Enid Sutcliffe.
Lovely.
Thank you, everybody! That's a wrap!
(ALL APPLAUDlNG)
Now in my capacity as secretary of the Nymphs and Shepherds Association,
any new Nymphs or Shepherds,
please make yourselves known.
Pop your addresses on my clip board.
-Dorothy has a biro, please return it! -Thank you.
And my lady wife and myself will be hosting a wine and cheese evening
on the night of the documentary,
at the new Brierley abode.
-(ALL EXCLAlMlNG) -What night is it actually going out, Gavin?
(STAMMERS) Absolutely no idea, Frank.
And that, Gavin, is the difference between television and damp proofing.
(CHUCKLES) My worry is,
there's just going to be too much of me in the programme.
And if it turns into the Frank Brierley Show, I mean, that's the last thing I want.
Now these are a new crisp bread.
Be cautious, they shatter.
Oh! Are you slimming?
No, they're a nice base for Philadelphia.
What did you say you were, a secretary?
Yes. A PA.
You must get through a lot of tights.
FRANK: Two minutes to go, folks!
Right! Ladies in the chairs,
gentlemen do the decent thing and stand at the back.
All right, Rosemary?
What the chuffing...
Why has he come through the...
Come round the side...
(TV SWlTCHES ON)
Why didn't you ring the front door bell?
-I did. -Well, it never rang.
You must have pressed it off centre.
If you're too casual it won't connect.
-(WOMAN SPEAKlNG ON TV) -Now, complete silence please.
(ON TV)...as we look back at Manchester's million selling record...
-(SOFTLY) Hello. -Hello.
MAN: These days the Free Trade Hall is very much known for its pop concerts.
But 40 years ago today, it was a very different story.
It was on this day 40 years ago
that more than 200 excited Manchester school children
-alighted from specially laid on trams... -Oh...
To make the record that would be loved the world over.
That was an absolute travesty!
Hours of interviews I gave them, they used nothing!
I knew that blouse would pucker.
Faces will roll over this.
I said did this blouse look all right and you said it did.
It did. You looked fine.
We know what fine means, it means fat.
Nymph/Shepherd reporting for duty!
-DOROTHY: I looked like a hippo. -Over here?
They'll be inundated with letters, Granada.
"Dear Granada, how did you get that hippo to talk English and wear a blouse?"
Stick them in the sink, thank you.
Faces will roll over this.
Bits go in the bin, there.
They saw me coming with that blouse, 69 and 11, puckered to beggary.
Thank you, Paulden's.
Disappointing, but...
If my lady wife will see to the coffee I shall plate up the Matchmakers.
There are none.
Mint Matchmakers, brand new packet. I put them in the larder yesterday.
Well, we don't have any.
In the larder, in the snacks section.
I know where we keep them. We don't have any.
(SlGHS)
Well, that's a baffler.
-Does it matter? -Yes, it does matter.
What's gone on? I've not had them...
Dorothy's on a strict diet and can't have chocolate, so she's not had them.
What's the explanation?
A case for lronsides.
And I don't think you came off any better Mr Fatty Boo-hoo.
With your crying. In the programme.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I hope she didn't upset you.
Not me. I've worked in Moss Side.
I'm afraid I rather hustled you out.
No, I was ready to go.
But lovely to see the programme.
-I don't have colour. -No, I don't have colour.
Pauline I work with has colour.
She says Cilla Black's hair is a lot more orange than you might think.
-Right. -But Lulu's is less so.
Good to get that sorted.
-Do you still sing? -No.
-Do you sing? -No, I never sing.
No, I never sing.
Can't quite think that I ever did sing.
# Was that me?
# Did I sing?
# Did my voice once soar?
# Was it mine?
# Am I still that boy?
I'm dreading decimalisation, are you?
I wouldn't say I was dreading it.
I am. I just think it's going to make people so cross.
I was glad they used that bit ofyou talking, what you said,
that it was joyful.
(CHUCKLES)
# Was that me?
# Did I sing?
# Did the music pour?
# Spilling out
# Full of life and joy
# Where is that bright eyed child?
# When was I reconciled
# To seeing the day today
# In beige and grey
I didn't have that photograph of the choir they showed, did you?
No, it was five bob or something.
My mother couldn't afford that.
Funny to see yourself, as you were.
BOTH: # Middle-aged, buttoned up
# Safer to ignore
# Who we were
# When we sang before
TUBBY: # Better to stay tight-lipped
ENlD: # Stick to the same old script
BOTH: # Better than dwelling on
# What's lost
# What's gone
# You hang on tight
Hold very tight, please.
# You play it safe
# You never rock the boat
# And then the stuff you've flattened down
# The memories you've battened down
# Come flooding up to grab you by the throat
# And then you have a choice
# For winter or for spring
# To dare
# To find your voice
# And sing #
That was awkward wasn't it, about the Matchmakers?
-Oh. -What do you think had happened to them?
She'd eaten them.
# Oh, don't deceive me
# Oh, do not leave me
# How could you use a poor maiden so? #
Thank you, Killelea. We will let your teacher know.
What do we think, Mr Chandler?
Not quite up to it.
-Mr Kirkby? -Button off.
He had a button off his jacket. Slippery slope.
(SlGHS) We've had so many boys' voices break this year.
(DOOR OPENlNG)
KlRKBY: Hey. There's auditions in here. Hop it.
No, I've come for the auditions.
Well, they're over. Again I say unto thee, hop it.
But I've come for the singing.
My teacher put me down on the list. Baker.
-You're an hour late. -Am l?
KlRKBY: Bakers get up early.
Baker's the one with the music teacher's recommendation.
So you wouldn't make a very good baker would you?
-GERTRUDE: Do you have an excuse? -Oh, he will have.
Sinners always do.
Judas had an excuse when he betrayed our Lord.
That sniper on Vimy Ridge had an excuse when he shot my leg off...
All right, Kirkby, keep it Methodist.
Let's give him five minutes.
Stand by the piano please, Baker,
face this way and really sing out.
-Do you know your note? -It's a "B", Miss.
(PlANO PLAYlNG)
# I want to make you proud
# I want my song
# To let you see, who I can be, when I belong
# I'll give you all I have I'll never swerve
# I'll be the boy that you deserve
# See who I am
# A boy with a heart
# A boy saying please won't you choose me
# Breathe on my dreams
# Don't blow them apart
# Turn me away and you'll lose me
TUBBY: # He wants to make you proud He wants to shine
# He wants to hear you say that boy is mine
# We know your love is there just in disguise
# He needs to see it in your eyes
# Look who I am
# A boy with a heart
# A boy saying please won't you choose me
# Breathe on my dreams
# Don't blow them apart
# Turn me away and you'll lose me
# I know I messed things up and got them wrong
# That can't be changed with just a song
BOTH: # I really want our lives to intertwine
# To make you proud
# To bring you joy
# So you can say, yes, he's my boy...
# He's mine #
Thank you, Baker.
You'll hear from your teacher.
Mornin'.
You see that ceiling? All them tiles, might have to come down.
-Oh, sorry. -Hang on. Just give me a sec, Tom.
-Tubby. -Mr Brierley.
I'm glad I've seen you.
Look, about the other day, my wife is a bit...
You know, she's at a funny age.
No, it was a very nice occasion. Crisp breads.
Very gentlemanly of you. Could we make amends?
Could I invite you and the lady...
-Enid. -That's it.
Could you both perhaps come to dinner?
Well, I could. I don't know where Enid resides.
You are reckoning without the Brierley
Nymphs and Shepherds Association clipboard.
As a matter of fact, the firm she works for happens to be in this building.
Does it? Is it?
MAN: We'll have to hack it back, Frank.
Oh, seepage.
Lovely.
Aye, you can smell the damp.
(ALL CLAMOURlNG)
Mr Kirkby, could you get everyone in lines, please.
You there.
You on the end.
Stand up straight.
GERTRUDE: Good evening, everybody and welcome back.
ALL: (lN UNlSON) Good evening, Miss Riall.
Now, we have some new children with us,
could they put up their hands, please.
Hands down.
Now the other children have heard this before,
but being in the Manchester School Children's choir is a great privilege
and with privilege comes what? Hewitt?
What?
With privilege comes what?
-Comes what? -Comes what, Miss Riall!
Comes what, Miss Riall?
What does privilege come with you nitwit?
-I give up, sir. -lt comes with this. Chump.
Well,
it comes with responsibility doesn't it?
Now, we have got a lovely new song to learn by Purcell.
It's called Nymphs and Shepherds.
Who knows what a nymph is? Yes, Brierley?
Please, Miss, they're pink and they live in the sea.
-You eat them in little pots. -GERTRUDE: Well...
That's not nymphs, that's shrimps you fat head.
-(ALL LAUGHlNG) -Hey, shh...
-Have you been in a Berni before, Enid? -No.
What I like, there's no surprises.
Ah! Can I show you to your table?
-Oh! Thank you, Barry. -Thank you.
Thanking you, Barry.
This is lovely.
Very kind of you to invite us.
Yes, very much appreciated.
We know you're an insurance man Tubby and you're basically a secretary Enid,
but we thought you'd like to know a little bit about us.
Shall I launch in?
# I'm a man, just a man I am happy and contented
# I appreciate the finer things in life
# And my house is detached and it's obviously not rented
# I've a car and I've something else... # A wife!
# And my life's complete when I take her out to eat
# We have all that we possibly could want
# When we journey in to the Berni Inn
# Our very favourite restaurant
# Please, don't panic when you see the Berni menu
# All uncharted waters to explore
Lovely.
# No need to be Magellan... # Prawn cocktail
# Melon # And frankly, who could ever ask for more?
# No matter how you falter Our manners never alter
# Smiling through like dear old Vera Lynn
# We would go through hell for our clientele
# The clients of the Berni Inn
# I'm a wife, just a wife
# And I'm happy to manoeuvre round my hubby
# And I just fit in with him
# I'm proud of my house and I'm handy with the Hoover
# And the Harpic and the Ajax and the Vim
# But my life's complete When he takes me out to eat
# To an eatery that's posher than the pub
# When we journey in to the Berni Inn
# It's number one with me, for grub
# Once you've had your starter steak with grilled tomarter
# Shows you are a diner with finesse
Ooh, I'm having that!
# You have to learn the blarney
# Fancy words like garni
# That just means they bung on bits of cress
Oh.
# Once you've learned to grapple with gammon and pineapple
# You can face the world without chagrin
# That remote ravine that is haute cuisine
# Come and cross it at the Berni Inn
# What we have, who we are well, it isn't accidental
# We have battled for the life that we have built
# We're refined to be frank We are almost continental
# Well, we do have a continental quilt
# But it seemed so neat to invite you out to eat
# To show you some of what you haven't got
# To journey in to the Berni Inn
# To show you that we know, what's what
# Now please alert your colon
# Loosen off your roll on
# Can we say we'll do desserts all round?
Oh, yes.
# Ices in the chiller # Only got vanilla
# Or the sweet for which we are renowned
# In shit hole or in chateau
# They know Black Forest Gateau
# Though ours has never been too near Berlin
# It's wrong to brag
# It's just cake in drag
# But it's gateau at the Berni Inn
# On my grave will be chipped by a monumental mason
# There could never be a better life than Frank's
# Had a wife, had a child
# Had an avocado basin, bath And lavatory from Armitage Shanks
# And it feels so sweet
# To have given you this treat
# And that is why we felt we must insist
# That we journey into the Berni Inn
# To demonstrate the life you've missed #
Sorry.
Can I just stop you a second.
We're leaving.
We don't want to spend any more time with you this evening,
or ever.
You're not staying for coffee? It's lrish coffee.
After dinner mints come with.
No, we're going for a nice cup of tea.
Tea?
I just felt he was belittling me. Well us.
He was trying, but we shall not be belittled.
We shall fight them in the chip shop!
We shall fight them in the Kardomah!
We shall never surrender!
(CHUCKLES) Sorry, that was a terrible Diana Dors impression.
On the house.
-Anne, you're a bobby dazzler. -I know I am.
-Help yourself. -Oh, no. I'm full.
Anyway I'm on a diet supposedly.
I'm doing it with Pauline, the girl I work with.
She wants to lose three stone and take all her hems up.
She's got chunky knees.
Well, yours aren't chunky, if I may say.
No, but office solidarity.
You were very manly in there, when you took charge.
No, I surprised myself.
Don't know what's going on with me at the moment.
"It's all happening!" (CHUCKLES)
Didn't I hear you say that your mother had just died?
Yes, she did.
-And did you live with her? -Yes.
House to myself now.
So thank god for this place!
But she didn't like music.
She struggled.
She found life a bit of an obstacle course.
Well, it is.
-Actually, do you mind if l... -No, please. I may have over vinegared.
-Oh, not for me. I love vinegar. -(CHUCKLES)
-So, your office is in Peel House. -Mmm.
I've got clients on the fourth floor.
My office is just across the square.
-We're on the first floor, Stanley Brothers... -Hmm...
Pop in some time. Pauline loves a visitor.
Right. I shall. I shall pop!
Please.
Are you Jimmy Baker?
-Yeah. -ls your mother in?
-No, she's at her other job. -All right.
Well, how you doing?
-Have you been out playing? -Singing, I am in a choir.
I sing, with a dance band.
We've been on the wireless.
So I have actually sung on the wireless.
I gave you a rubber ball once, you remember?
You would have been about three.
It was a big coloured ball.
Have you not still got it?
-I had better go in. -Hang on a minute.
I am off to Canada.
Pastures new, as they say.
Have you heard that? Pastures new? No?
Anyway,
I'm leaving this behind.
Do you want to take it?
-What is it? -It's a gramophone.
Go on, take it.
-Who have I to give it to? -No-one. You.
It's for you.
It's new.
There's a record in it, Happiness Street,
I'm singing on it.
-All right, Sal? -What's this?
I'm sailing to Canada. I've brought him this.
Right.
I'll send you my address, shall l?
Well, I will.
Jimmy, go and get washed.
And remember...
Always hold the record by its edges. Yes?
Is this all right, Mam?
Yeah. Go on.
(SlGHS)
Well, I'll probably not see you.
No.
You know how I'm fixed.
Yeah.
-ls she going with you? -Yes.
It makes sense.
Course it does.
You bugger.
-Mam! -Wait!
What did he say?
-Who? -Him.
Nothing. He said he'd given me a ball or something.
A ball.
He didn't say to come with him or anything, to Canada?
-No. -No.
You're staying with me, aren't you?
Mam, can we play the record?
No, I told you.
-But why? -Because I don't want to hear it.
Now fasten it up.
You don't get it out, you don't show it anybody.
And you don't tell anybody. I mean it!
She said, "Pop in".
She wants me to pop in.
I'm not making this up, am l?
She wants me, Tubby Baker,
to come and see her in her office.
That's got to mean something, hasn't it?
Ooh.
(SlGHS DEEPLY)
One, two...
-(PlANO PLAYlNG) -And...
# In this grove In this grove
# Let's sport and play, let's sport and play
# Let's sport and play
# For this... This is Flora's 'oliday
# This is Flora's 'oliday
# Sacred to ease...
No, no, no.
It is Flora's what, Baker?
-'Oliday, Miss Riall. -Flora's 'oliday?
And where is our concert?
In Free Trade 'all, Miss Riall.
Oh, dear.
Baker has dropped something and it isn't under his seat.
What has he dropped?
No?
-Mr Kirkby? -"H"s.
Yes.
All of you are dropping your "H"s.
Now, you are all Mancunians and that is a very fine thing to be.
And we will be singing on the stage of the Free Trade Hall,
very much a part of Manchester's proud history.
Now...
We want all that pride in coming from Lancashire,
we want the spirit of Lancashire,
but not the accent.
It is Flora's holiday.
It is the Free Trade Hall.
We are not in Free Trade 'all with 'Amilton 'Arty,
on Flora's flippin 'oliday.
-(ALL LAUGHlNG) -Oi!
Same place please, Edna. Ssh!
# In this grove In this grove
# Let's sport and play, let's sport and play
# Let's sport and play
# For this... This is Flora's holiday
-Good. # This is Flora's holiday
-Yes. # This is Flora's holiday#
-Good night, Mr Kirkby. -Night.
-I am meeting my dad. See ya! -See you, Hewitt.
We've done the chairs, Mr Kirkby.
-You all right, Mr Kirkby? -It's this leg.
Gets bad in the cold. Just need a minute.
Do you want me to go and tell you when the bus is coming
then you don't have to stand in the cold?
I walk home. I'm only down Pattison Street.
That's near me. I can walk with you, sir.
I don't think you walk as slow as me.
I can do. I like walking slow.
And if I walk on the side ofyour cold leg
it might warm it up and then it might feel better.
You can lean on me. I'm dead strong.
I'm always carrying coal and spuds and that, for mam.
Come on, Tubby!
Hello!
Oh! You came.
Pauline, this is Tubby. Remember I told you, from the programme.
Tubby Baker. Very pleased to meet you Pauline.
Oh, don't be. I'm only a lowly secretary.
Enid is the PA.
She has the desk planner and the intercom.
And what have I got? Some Handy Andies and a plastic lemon.
We're on lemon and hot water. I told you we're slimming.
-How's it going? -PAULlNE: This week, not great.
I can have 7,000 calories a week.
And so far I've had 3,800 and it's only Tuesday.
But hey, two days on potted meat and water biscuits,
-that could level me back off. -(TUBBY CHUCKLES)
Speaking of chips, where are you taking her?
Are you not escorting her to lunch?
-Well, of course... -Pauline, it's Tuesday.
I was thinking of having a sandwich.
Can I interest you in sitting on a bench? In the square?
-No, I don't have time. -No, fair enough.
Well, I won't clog up the mighty wheels of commerce.
Very pleased to have met you Pauline.
Enid's got a lot more leeway than me calorie-wise.
She can have a jacket potato and a yoghurt.
I don't think I've ever had a yoghurt.
PAULlNE: No, you don't look like you've ever had one.
No offence, you're like me. It's all in front.
Be thankful you don't have to struggle into a roll-on.
(CHUCKLES) I am.
Have you given up answering that intercom?
I didn't hear it, it didn't buzz.
My wife says can you get this stitched for Hilary,
she says it's the band on the inside. Who's this?
My name's Baker. Blackfriars Assurance.
We're insured so sayonara.
No, I just popped in to see Miss Sutcliffe.
Oh, well, you can pop out, she's busy.
Goodbye. Bye, Pauline.
These need doing.
Give me a knock in 10 and we'll make a move.
PAULlNE: So...
What?
Mr Tubby Baker.
Very nice.
Very gentlemanly.
He's a gentleman caller,
Iike in that play where she had the gammy leg and the glass animals.
Why did you give him the brush off?
We have our site visits on a Tuesday.
I've heard that something very exciting is happening the day after Tuesday.
-What? -Wednesday.
Get a bit of a romance going.
-I'd have him. -You're married.
There's always something dragging you back.
-What was he after? -Nothing.
You don't know him?
-No. -Good.
Oh, thanks for doing the riding hat, huh. Get me out of bother.
Who have you spotted now?
PAULlNE: Mr Tubby.
Aw, he's walking away all sad.
Will you not just have a butty with him?
No!
PAULlNE: Yoo-hoo!
Tubby!
She's changed her mind.
She will have lunch with you.
-Next Monday in the square... -What are you doing? Stop.
-Bring a yoghurt! (GlGGLES) -Stop it...
(MUMBLES): Sorry!
-He's lovely. -Pauline.
Straight to the top of the stairs and quietly, please!
(CHlLDREN CLAMOURlNG)
Quiet! Quiet!
GERTRUDE: I shall be checking hands, faces, boots, and hair ribbons!
The Halle orchestra looks smart,
-so must we. -Baker, come here.
You are a chump. What are you?
I'm a chump, sir.
If Miss Riall had seen you in that state that would have been it.
Inky pinky parlay-voo good night.
Sorry sir.
You had sticking up hair on Vimy Ridge you'd know about it.
If your hair stuck up there do you know what would happen?
-No, sir. -Get your head blown off.
Did you not wear helmets?
Occasionally.
Now, the audience is all seated
so we should be going on to the stage very shortly.
And we won't be nervous, because we will not think about ourselves.
We will think about the music and the pleasure it brings.
Let's have our happy hum.
(HUMMlNG)
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
# Brother, come and dance with me
# Both my hands I offer thee
# Right foot first, left foot then
# Round about and back again #
-Get off! -Come on, don't you want a bit of fun.
I'm only wanting what others have had.
You know what they say. You don't miss a slice off a cut loaf.
Shall I tell your wife you said that?
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would just like to take the opportunity
to thank Miss Gertrude Riall
for the wonderful work she is doing
training these Manchester school children
who have sung with such tunefulness and energy this evening.
-They are a credit to you, Miss Riall. -Thank you.
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
And such is my faith in this lady,
I am going to propose to the Columbia record company
that they make a recording of the Manchester Children's Choir
Ied of course by Miss Riall
accompanied by the Halle Orchestra,
in order that we may prove,
if proof were needed
that what Manchester plays today
the world listens to tomorrow!
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
Mr Kirkby, I'll walk home with you.
KlRKBY: Do you not have a coat?
No. I don't need one. I'm a really warm person. Feel!
Hey.
Is this from Vimy Ridge?
It is...
-(MUFFLED) Did you shoot Germans in it? -Say again.
Did you shoot Germans in it?
Occasionally.
I can let myself in. Mam might be asleep.
I'll just see you in.
-Who's this? -Herbert Kirkby, from the choir.
-Has he done something wrong? -No, no.
With it being late, I thought I'd see him to the door.
Right.
Yes. Very good, then.
Baker did very well, as they all did.
The concert.
He killed Germans in this, Mam.
-Very nice. -You go in Baker, you chump.
Sorry you missed it, Mrs Baker,
you'll perhaps manage for a future occasion.
Right. You won't be too cold, will you?
No. We're in the sun. We won't be sitting long, will we?
Now, lunch.
The great yoghurt investigation.
Oh. I thought we'd just be bringing our own lunch.
Oh, I thought I'd bring lunch. My treat.
Oh, I thought we would just be having our own Tupperware's type thing.
You weren't taking me out to lunch.
No, but...
It wasn't like a date.
No.
I mean, two middle-aged people on a bench in Piccadilly.
Not exactly Roman Holiday, is it?
No. Be nice if it was.
# If life were movies
# Then I would be Fred Astaire
# From top to toe I would be so debonair
# I would be charming and quite disarming
# And slim
# If I were him
# If life were movies
# Then Ginger Rogers I'd be
# Pert and petite, light on my feet
# That would be me
# I would be wearing something quite daring
# With fur
# If I were her
# If I were her...
# If life were movies
# If we were Ginger and Fred
# Then we would glide by like people tied by a thread
# We'd have an amorous and oh, so glamorous affair
# If we were Rogers
# And Astaire
# Wouldn't it be so groovy
# If we were in a movie
# Nobody thought it silly
# Dancing in Piccadilly
# And looking at all of you
# You could be in it too
# If life were movies
# Then we would know all the words
# Know exactly what to say
# And unsurprising, be harmonising in thirds
# Thirds are easy by the way
# Your heavenly chorus would then implore us to wed
# Oh, for heaven's sake why don't you wed
# If you were Ginger # If I were Ginger
# And I were Fred # And you were Fred #
What were you saying about yoghurt?
I didn't know which flavour, so I got them all.
You didn't get plain?
-I didn't know there was plain. -I can only have plain.
-I never saw plain. -lf it's not plain it's not slimming.
Look, leave that aside for the moment.
I shall deal with that first thing tomorrow.
I shall strike out into the icy wastes of the chilled dairy section.
I'll be like Captain Oates,
only hopefully I shall come back.
But what I wanted to say, Enid, is...
I know this wasn't a date, but could it be?
Not this yoghurt blunderers debacle,
but could we go on a proper date?
I'm going out with someone.
-Oh. -So...
Right. Sorry.
Doing my two short planks act.
I should have checked. Sorry.
As you were.
-Malcolm? -Yeah?
Did you manage to have a word with her?
No.
(SlGHS) There's a lot going on.
We've got the dressage coming up.
I mean, I will.
We might just have to tick along for a bit.
Don't keep bringing it up, I've got enough on my plate.
I don't keep bringing it up, you said once the girls had left school.
I can't just cut and run.
Well, maybe I should cut and run.
Run where? You're no spring chicken.
Come on.
We do all right.
Love in the Afternoon, eh?
(ENGlNE STARTlNG)
KlRKBY: Well, it will be a big photograph ofthe choir and the Halle.
-And will we be allowed to, like buy one? -We will.
Did they say how much that photo is gonna be Mr Kirkby?
It's got to be four or five bob, hasn't it? A big cardboard job...
Oh! I wanted to get one for mam.
She'll have your school photo?
No, she didn't get it. See you Saturday, Mr Kirkby.
Oi!
Eccles cake.
The labourer is worthy of his hire.
Thanks, sir. Bye!
And...
-How come? -Mr Kirkby give it me.
For carrying all his hymn books. Cos you know he's religious
so he has to carry hymn books but he can't because of his leg...carry them.
If I only had one leg, I'd put a wheel where my leg was.
Would you, Mam, put a wheel where your leg was?
I'd put a motorbike.
Get me to work quicker.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
# My Christian name is Enid
# My mother is to blame
# She wanted something nondescript
# And commonplace and tame
# And now I am an Enid
# With all that that implies
# The dreariness, the weariness, the shame
# For Enids never get seduced
# Your inner Enid rules the roost
# Your love life will not be your claim to fame
# You won't inspire a Byron
# Be a temptress or a siren
# A courtesan, a diva or a dame
# You won't have a stock of sex tricks
# You won't hum like a Scalextrix
# When Enid is your name
# Enids are not kissed
# Under skies that are starry
# We don't go on safari
# With some chisel jawed man
# No Kenya
# For an Enid, not when your
# Tights are 45 denier
# In American Tan
# We don't sit in a cafe with Sartre
# Looking down from Montmartre
# With absinthe on our lips
# No Leo, ever whisks us to Rio
# Just to Carry on Cleo
# And six-penn'orth of chips
# Ooh, I want somebody to hold me
# No-one's ever cajoled me
# Set my passions aflame
# And, oh...
# I need to show
# That I am more than just my name
# Enids are planted on terra firma
# No lover will murmur
# With you I'm a man
# We're eager
# But our assets are meagre
# There's a whiff of Swarfega Not Je Reviens
# Ooh, I want someone to adore me
# What's stretching before me?
# Just more of the same
# Oh, I need to show
# That I am more than just my name
Sorry, just hang on a minute.
What was I saying? Oh, yes, Enids.
# Will we feel passion
# Or something akin to
# That we have to give in to
# I'm guessing we won't
# There are chasms
# Between those who feel spasms
# And have great big orgasms
# And the Enids who don't
# One day I'm gonna master this hurdle
# I'm gonna fling off my girdle
# And get ahead of the game
# I'm going
# To try and get my juices flowing
# I have a bit of life still owing
# And I am more than just my name #
Evelyn, do you want a Nescaff?
Do you want a Nescaff?
This came for you yesterday. I forgot.
Here. Trot down to the mail room with that.
Take the stairs, get a bit of that weight off. I'm back at four, Enid.
I'll take it down, Pauline. Sorry.
Why are you apologising for him, Enid?
He doesn't bother me. I don't have to see him in my lunch hour.
Or with his clothes off.
Who else knows?
No-one. You come back on a Tuesday afternoon
with flat hair and different tights on, I just button my lip and keep typing.
Do you think the worse of me?
No, I don't think the worse ofyou for sleeping with him.
We've all got a few regrettable bedspreads in our past.
But to pass up the chance of a nice bloke who's itching to treat you properly,
that is barmy.
It's complicated.
Is it heckers like Enid?
I've just seen him now, Tubby, on my way back.
He's just gone into Duncan and Fosters.
God, Enid! Go and find him,
tell him you've been a bloody idiot and you want to go out with him.
-Shall l? -Yes!
Go on, hurry up.
What shall I tell him about Malcolm?
Just tell him, it is 1969! For frig's sake!
What it is.
That's not really a sentence.
-Thank you for the photo. -Oh! No trouble.
The other day when I said I was going out with somebody, I wasn't really.
So I don't know ifyou want to, still, go out with me.
Well, I can't just decide on the spot, I will have to think about it.
No, of course. Absolutely.
I've thought about it. Yes, I would and where shall we go?
Oh! Oh, you really want to?
You've no idea. You have no idea.
Wow!
Crikey!
I ordered sausage egg and chips to cheer myself up. I could send it back!
(SlGHS)
Could I hold your hand?
Yes.
Hang on! Let's do this thing properly.
So,
none of my beeswax, but I am a man
so obviously a bit thick as regards these matters.
Were you going out with somebody or not?
-Well, I was seeing somebody. -Oh!
We didn't really go out.
And I haven't actually told him yet,
he'll probably be furious but we're used to that.
-Who's we? -Oh, me and Pauline.
It's my boss.
That's who I've been sort of seeing. You met him that day.
Oh! I thought he was married.
Well, yes. That's been the complication.
-The boss I met? Mr Stanley? -Yes.
But he is married, I heard him saying something about his wife.
They don't get on. They're all very show jumpy.
-Who are? -The wife and the daughters.
-He's got daughters? -Yes. Two. They do dressage.
But you haven't had an affair with him?
Well, yes.
Well, what did you think you were doing to them?
What I was doing?
To their family.
You had no right.
He was somebody's husband.
And he was somebody's father.
That's wrong, Enid. That's just...
I'm sorry, I can't hold hands with you.
I had no idea that you...
I thought you were like me.
I thought you'd missed the boat somehow.
Getting involved with a married man.
That's not who I thought you were.
Stephenson, Sutcliffe, Taylor,
Ward, Williamson, Yardley.
Right.
Have a look around at your tram group.
If you don't see those faces at the tram stop tomorrow morning,
you are on the wrong tram,
and you will not be making a record with the Halle orchestra. Oi!
That was a waste of a ha'penny, wasn't it, Hewitt?
These trams have been put on specially for you to get to the Free Trade Hall.
We don't want anybody coming on milk floats or getting lifts on a dust cart.
Yes, Baker, I'm looking at you.
(CHlLDREN TlTTERlNG)
You're not on the tram, you're not coming in.
In fact, I am going to say that anyone not arriving on time
will not only be prevented from taking part in the recording, but will be asked
to leave the choir altogether.
(CHlLDREN CLAMOURlNG)
Singing tomorrow is going to be the happiest moment of my life.
Very good. You get off. Big day tomorrow. I can manage.
So our record that we're making Mr Kirkby,
if they sell it in Woolworths, I'm going to buy it for mam and play it her.
Play it her on what? A mangle?
No, I've got a gramophone.
Yes, and I'm Rupert the Bear.
No, I have got one. Come on, Mr Kirkby, come with!
Very nice model.
Not that we should be, "Laying up treasures on earth
"where moth and rust doth corrupt." Matthew 6:19.
But it's a handy little case is that.
And a record come with it.
Shall I put it on so we know how we have to do it tomorrow?
-Are you allowed to play it? -Yeah.
MAN: # Hey girls and boys Come hear the noise
# Hear those marching feet
# We're heading down to Happiness Street
# We've nothing to lose We're done with the blues
# We're spreading the news We know that it's true
# We're telling it to the people we meet
# There'll be no room For doom and gloom
# Life will be sweet
# No snappiness on Happiness Street
# Ooh-ooh, it's a free for all
# Down at this one address
# Ooh, ooh...
# It's the street they call Happiness
# We've nothing to lose We're done with the blues
# We're spreading the news We know that it's true
# We're telling it to the people we meet
# All the people we meet
# There'll be no room For doom and gloom
# Life will be sweet
# No snappiness on Happiness Street #
Does it not matter what I say?
Get inside!
-Mam, we were just... -You were just showing me up!
-You can leave that. -What are you going to do with it?
-I might put it in the bin. -(THUDS)
Don't, Mam, I'm singing on our record and I'm going to play you it on it.
I don't think I like singing.
You're not making a record.
He's not making a record.
He's down there now, on a bench.
-Who? -Tubby.
He's having... I can't see if it's a pie or a pasty.
I think it's a pasty.
I might go and sit in the sun.
Don't say anything to him, he's made his point.
I'm not going to say anything to him. I'm not totally crass.
So, she told me what you said to her, Enid.
She's just a person. Bit lonely.
Probably been dumped a few times. Picked a wrong 'un.
We all make mistakes.
That's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils.
Nobody's perfect.
(SlGHS) I'm fat.
So I shouldn't be having a pasty. But I am. Same with Enid.
And what have you done with your life that's so great?
You're not Albert Schweitzer.
Unless you're running a leper colony of a weekend and keeping that under wraps.
Would it be possible to have a word?
I'm the first to wade in when there's been a misdemeanour.
Bang. Ears boxed.
"Punished with everlasting destruction." Thessalonians 1 :9.
Joke.
And obviously playing the gramophone when you'd said he wasn't to,
-needs a punishment. -He's getting a punishment.
"Correct thy son and he shall give thee rest." Proverbs 29:17.
We're on the same tram tracks here.
I don't believe in God.
It's just that he had this surprise for you
and I was going to take him out to tea, possibly the Kardomah.
Because he's been a help to me. I've got this leg...
-...Iack of. -What surprise?
It's a photograph of Baker.
I took a little snap of him.
I borrowed a Box Brownie from a chap in my digs.
He didn't want you to think you had to buy the, the big one.
Because that's going to be sizeable.
So I thought after the recording, with it being a day off,
we could get the photo, and then maybe go somewhere, as I say, like the Kardomah.
Have egg on toast or beans on toast, or toast.
Make a day of it.
He's a good little lad.
You know he's saving up to buy you the record.
I don't suppose you want a cup of tea with a non-believer.
Well, you believe in tea,
and to me that's only just outside the Holy Trinity.
Our Lord, Holy Spirit, Jesus, tea.
(CHUCKLES LlGHTLY)
Go left and cut through.
-lt saves you five minutes. -Much appreciated.
So we'll see him tomorrow, on his correct tram at the correct time?
You will. I'll see him off before work.
(DOOR CLOSES)
And one, and two, three, twist. A one-two-three...
On to the floor class. Down you go.
Onto your elbows. Single leg lift.
Right leg first. Left leg bent. Here we go.
And up. Down. Up. Two more.
Get ready to change. Left leg.
Hold those tummies in.
Enid! Single leg lift!
ENlD: Sorry.
So, Tubby.
-ls he very sad? -What?
What did he look like, when you saw him?
He looked like someone finishing off a pasty.
For frig's sake Enid.
If there's any havoc caused, you've caused it
dithering and faffing about.
You never sort anything out!
TRAlNER: And everyone's favourite, the bicycle!
TRAlNER: Summer will come, let's get ready...
# I am clear on the fear
# That has led up to where I am now
# I.e., feeble and foolish and fed up and lost as to how
# I can move from the safe and the timid, the fearful, the tepid
# To be honest and plucky, courageous and free and intrepid
# Scared of life, scared of sheep
# Scared of thunder just half alive, half asleep
# Now I wonder if I can crawl
# I can creep out from under and do it?
# Take a chance, take the punt
# Why not stand up and grab a spot at the front
# Put your hand up and knuckle down, bear the brunt
# Strike the band up, let's do it!
# Do the things you need to do
# And say the things you've never dared say
# And find the person deep inside the person
# Who's been hidden away
# Forgotten
# Make the move, jump the ship pay and check out
# And Toodle-oo, toodle-pip
# Get the heck out and stiffen your upper lip
# Stick your neck out and do it!
# Buckle up, chocks away
# Don't just settle but in a fight, in a fray
# Show your mettle but do it now, seize the day
# Grasp the nettle and do it!
# Do it only for yourself
# You'll never get applause or a cup
# There won't be trophies on your shelf
# But if you can just hold your head up
# That's something
# On the spot, in the dock courage withering
# Taking aim, taking stock no more dithering
# Check the time, stop the clock
# And just blithering do it! #
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
Can I say something?
How did you find my house?
I went and asked Frank Brierley. I took him some Matchmakers.
His firm's renovating our plaster work.
That's right. You've got seepage.
It's affected the cornicing.
You're gonna have to kick this off.
No, I will. I absolutely will.
Now, obviously when you came round to the office that Tuesday
and said did I want to have a sandwich in Peel Square,
that was my opportunity to say,
"I'm afraid I can't because I'm just about to go and have sex
"with that red faced man who is my boss", who then told you to hop it.
That was a missed opportunity, of which there have been many.
I liked you as soon as I saw you,
but I had got a bit stuck with the Malcolm situation.
I was turning so many blind eyes it's a wonder I could see to put my tights on!
And you were quite right, he is married
and he does have children and it was deceitful.
But it was quite light hearted in the early days.
We'd have Campari. Plus I quite enjoyed the intercourse.
Just trying to lay it all on the line. Then we're clear.
I'll be out of your hair in a moment.
I'm sorry about Pauline pouncing on you that day when you were having your pasty.
She's a bit of a blunderer, but she means well.
The point is, if you take me out of the picture, which you have quite rightly,
there are still a lot of ladies out there who would appreciate you.
I know two widows and a divorcee and that's just at Keep Fit.
Is something burning?
(SNlFFS) Chip pan!
Oh!
Crikey. Mind out!
No! You are supposed to put it outside. Outside!
That shirt was a bit tight.
I just grabbed the nearest thing. I thought it was an apron.
And this is supposed to be the new me doing things properly. Beggar!
No, this needs more than a beggar. This needs a bugger. Bugger!
-(SOBBlNG) -Oh, heck.
Ohh. Oh!
# Overweight, overwhelmed
# I've overstepped the mark
# Help me out
# I'm whistling in the dark
# But something I saw in you
# Gave me a sense, a clue
# To what I had lived without
# The sun came out
# You think a heart can never melt
# You don't expect a thaw
# But feelings just accosted me
# And sort of, well, defrosted me
# And left me in a puddle on the floor
# No choice, to see it through
# I couldn't turn away
# From what I glimpsed in you
# That day#
Letting 'im stay all night now, are you?
What?
We saw your fancy man come, we didn't see him go.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Hey, Mam, I am doing my hair like Mr Kirkby's.
You're not going, get upstairs.
-What? -Give me your key!
But, Mam, I haven't done anything. You said I could go.
Well now, I'm saying you can't. Upstairs!
Well, Pauline had it right. What have I done with my life?
-You've looked after your mother. -(SlGHS)
Was I looking after her or hiding behind her?
She never said, "Don't get married, don't have a girlfriend."
I was the one saying, "Ooh, I've to go home and see to my mother."
-At least you plunged. -Wasn't much of a plunge.
I knew really he wouldn't leave Mrs Stanley.
I was so busy being hard done by, I never thought about her.
-What a twerp! -Me?
Me! What have I got to get so high and mighty about?
-Mmm, I'm cringing. -(SCOFFS)
Can't believe I turned down all that yoghurt!
-I hadn't brought plain. -I hate plain.
We'll never have it.
# I want to make you proud I want to show
# That there's still time for me to climb
# And change and grow
# Somewhere along the way I lost my nerve
# I'm not the man that you deserve
# Face who you are
# A man with a heart
# It's only in height I'm above you
# Breathe on my dreams
# Don't blow them apart
# I need you to know that I love you
# I want to be the man you hoped I'd be
# To find my place, amongst the crowd
# To see your face and know
# You're proud of me #
(lNDlSTlNCT CONVERSATlONS)
(SHUSHlNG)
-Hewitt? Was Baker not on your tram? -No, sir.
Purcell, boys.
Too early for Humperdink.
Sorry, I am not sure where I should stand for the microphone.
Probably best if I conduct.
Get a chair for Miss Riall, out of the way, Lionel.
MAN: Right you are...
Should I just warm them up?
Oh, I don't think we need bother with that.
Round about this tempo, boys.
(MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Once through for luck.
I didn't get a chance to ask, are we all here?
Apart from Baker.
Baker? But he was so excited about it.
-Did he send a message? -No, just didn't turn up.
So he is out.
Well, I am very disappointed.
I had great hopes of Baker.
Aren't you disappointed?
Very disappointed!
Morning! Lovely start to the week.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
-Hey! -I know!
-Yep. -Belting.
And you were right what you said about pasties and leper colonies.
Was l? Bought her a plant? Lovely, she's in a meeting.
No, it's for him. It's him I've come to see. The boss.
-Oh, blimey! -There'll be no trouble.
We just need to set things straight, the three of us. To move forward.
You can't lay new lino over a dead cat.
Now, tell him he's got a visitor.
Use the intercom if you don't want to go in there.
Hello? Sorry, Mr Stanley. Someone to see Mr Stanley over.
MALCOLM: (OVER lNTERCOM) I'm in a meeting, Pauline!
Say it won't take long.
It won't take long he says! Over!
For crying out loud. Hang on.
What? Pauline, I'm in a meeting, you lardy trout. Wha...
Oh, insurance? Hop it.
I just wanted a quick word with you about Enid and myself.
What are you talking about?
Pauline, get Roberts.
Enid and I are in love.
Yes, we're in love.
MALCOLM: (OVER lNTERCOM) And why are you telling me?
Oh, because I have to assume that you have feelings for her as well.
And that you want the best for her.
MALCOLM: Are we talking about Enid Sutcliffe?
TUBBY: Yes.
Why do you think I care one way or the other about her?
Because I know what the situation is.
Get out of here, you fat fool.
Coming shouting the odds in your cheap suit.
No-one's shouting.
Can we not just shake hands like gentlemen? For Enid's sake.
Enid's nothing to me!
She's a spinster with a crush, that's all.
-Whatever she's told you. -How dare you?
You've had what you wanted for years and years
and you say she's nothing to you.
You're despicable.
ENlD: Tubby!
Come with me!
You stay where you are if you want to keep your job.
-I love you, Enid! -And don't let him back in.
Come on, then, you know I didn't mean it. You can go.
LlONEL: All sorted, Sir H.
Ready to record when you are.
Thank you, Lionel. (SlGHS)
Now this...
Hears everything and forgives nothing.
It is a cruel mistress.
-We can have no mistakes. -(BOY CLEARS THROAT)
Perfection only will do.
Complete clarity, total concentration,
and of course a lovely happy sound.
MALCOLM: Pauline, go and phone the coffee order through.
Right.
MALCOLM: What was I supposed to say?
Yeah, you're right, fatso, we have it away every Tuesday?
Bloody idiot.
Is he a drinker? Yeah.
You don't want to bother with him.
-I do want to bother with him. -(SCOFFS)
Pauline!
Do you want this hand cream? Atrixo.
-Lovely, thanks. -No. Don't be like that, Enid.
Honestly, in bed between you and Moira... Well, no contest.
You might want to switch off the intercom, Malcolm.
Oh!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh, good. A critique on my sex life has gone through to everyone in Planning.
Hadn't you better catch him up?
You don't want him taking the hump again.
Oh, Lord, he could be anywhere. I'll see you at Popmobility.
-Yeah. -Thanks for everything! Bye!
Bye.
-You'll have to take the lift, love. -Oh flip...
It's all right,
you don't have to fling me into the gutter by the seat of my trousers.
It's not the Beano.
Quick as you can boys.
Sir, it's Jimmy Baker. He's got up on that ledge.
-(KlDS GlGGLlNG) -Everyone shush! (SHUSHlNG)
He's too late though, isn't he sir? Because he didn't come on the tram, sir.
KlRKBY: Climb over, jump down and I'll catch you!
Look lively.
(GROANlNG)
Is everything all right over there?
Get in your place!
Yes, thank you, Sir Hamilton.
Baker was just helping me up.
Lost a leg, sniper, Vimy Ridge.
Good man.
I was Naval Reserve, North Sea. Lot to be grateful for.
-You said Baker hadn't turned up. -No.
-You said he'd missed his tram. -No!
You did Mr Kirkby. We had a whole conversation about it.
I might have been hallucinating.
-Hallucinating? -From shell shock.
Do you suffer from shell shock?
Occasionally.
I can't let you back in.
I know.
She's stuck in there with that idiot.
I want to rescue her, I want to run away with her.
-Does she know that? -Probably not.
The whole thing's been a series of half-cocked blunders.
Of which me shoving him in the chest
and failing to give him a cactus is the last in a long line.
Well, she's only on the first floor.
Doesn't matter what floor she's on if you can't let me back in.
Of course, if you were to rush past me,
grab a decorator's ladder and put it up against her window,
there wouldn't be much I could do about it.
Wouldn't there?
I'm not very quick on my pins.
I don't have the full complement.
Caught a packet in the first lot.
Sniper. Vimy Ridge.
(GASPS)
Go on, chump.
(SlGHS)
WOMAN: Can you hold the door, love?
On your signal, Lionel.
Have you seen a gentleman,
I think he was probably just thrown out of the building.
He's got a lovely face,
well, he's quite stout which I actually like.
Uh, oh! His name's Mr Baker
I don't know what his Christian name is.
(KNOCKlNG ON WlNDOW PANE)
She's gone!
She gave me her hand cream. She loves you!
"A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches."
Genesis 32, verse 28.
His name is James, I imagine you'd remember him as Jimmy.
Jimmy? Jimmy Baker?
Tubby Baker is Jimmy Baker!
Of course, he's Jimmy Baker.
The one that jumped down from the... The day of the...
You don't know where he went?
Up there.
Then I said to catch you up, so she ran out. Looking for you.
Jimmy!
# Enid Sutcliffe come away, come away
# That's the message I've clambered up here, to convey
# Fifty odd and I'm fighting for breath
# No Greek God but I love you to death
# I mean it
# Enid
# Come away with me
# All those years I could never feel joy
# Just because
# I'd lost touch with the wonderful boy
# That I was
# Though we're not still a lad and a girl
# Oh, don't you think we could give it a whirl
# So would you
# Or could you...
# Come away with me?
# All the shame, all the sadness
# Of all of the roads we have travelled
# Weaves a garment that hangs on us
# Heavy as rope
# But strand by strand
# It can be unravelled
# Hand in hand
# There's hope
# Nymphs and shepherds, come away
# Who's to blame for my flat little life
# Me only
# Chose a lover who stuck with his wife
# That's lonely
# You turned up and I couldn't believe
# Sweet and kind with your heart on your sleeve
# I will come
# Come away
# With you
# All the shame, all the blame
# All the stuff we are dragging behind us
# We should turn, we should look
# We should give it a shove
# We ditch the chains
# There's nothing to bind us
# And what remains, is love
# Nymphs and shepherds, come away
# Come away
# All those years at the back of the queue
# Don't seem real
# All those dreams that were never on view
# We'll reveal
# All we felt that we didn't deserve
# Hand in hand we can summon the nerve
# To feel love
# And give love
# Till those dreams
# Come true
# Nymphs and shepherds, come away
# Nymphs and shepherds, come away#
(VOCALlSlNG)